Stage Fright

It's day 3 of my cross-country-ish bike trip. I've made it from Tillamook to The Dalles, had some bike problems, stealth-camped on the side of the road, and only now did I finish setting up my blog. I'm not sure why I've avoided it this long, but I think it comes down to a particular kind of stage fright. Disclaimer: this post is more about me than my actual trip.

I titled this post Stage Fright because, like many, I'm very hesitant to share anything creative before it's finished and perfected - which means I rarely complete, and almost never share, anything of the sort. I'd love to write sci-fi, create music, try some website ideas, and share random thoughts, but I'm too concerned with how people will judge me. So I do nothing -- which is less satisfying, but definitely safer. My concern is far from unique, of course, and the consensus seems to be that the only real solution is to suck it up and do it. So here I go.

I've named this blog Not Only Stupid, because while I'm not convinced that this trip isn't stupid, I'm pretty sure that it's not only stupid. The stupid is obvious: I had a good-paying, relatively cushy job in my field, and quitting that probably was dumb. I'm delaying retirement, not building my resume, and not pursuing a lot of the more impressive projects I would have liked to complete at my old job. Also, I have little experience with long bike trips, so I have to admit that starting off with a cross-country expedition is probably questionable at best.

Importantly, I don't think this trip is only stupid. I expect to get a lot out of this. Physical fitness is an obvious benefit, not to mention saving the cost of a plane ticket to Illinois to be with my partner. My primary motivation, though, is just to reset my life by retreating from society for a little while. This is the first step I've ever really taken away from the middle-class-expectation pipeline, which would take me from school to college to work to retirement without really stopping to consider what the hell I'm doing. I've developed a heavy focus on the future that's led to a habit of anxiety and reactive living that I've been unhappy with for at least 6 years now. In that time, I did manage to pursue things I like despite the anxiety, which sounds proactive - but the truth is that even those pursuits were motivated by fear. During occasional fits of optimism, I would commit to a band or a sailing crew or something, and then I'd spend the rest of the time with those groups just panicking about letting them down. Whenever there was nothing to panic about, I'd hide in whatever media I could find, usually video games or Reddit, while hating myself for not doing something more productive.

Instead of just hiding and reacting to things I've committed to, I'd like to pursue things out of actual passion and desire. I think the best way to do that is to put myself in an environment where I physically can't continue the habits I don't like. In a way, this trip is kind of rehab. I feel like proactive living is much healthier and well-adapted than reactive living, so I'm happy to be taking a major step toward that kind of health and fulfillment.

Every minute I continue rambling here is one minute that I'm missing at SOAK, which is Portland's regional Burning Man event. I think it's time I head that way, but I'm happy to have gotten this off the ground.

Expect more travel-related content in posts to come, though I can't guarantee I won't be inspired to dump personal details here from time to time.